FIC: The Three-Legged Stool (HIMYM: Ted/Barney/Marshall, NC-17)

[the_water_clock]

Author: Clio
Title: The Three-Legged Stool
Pairing: How I Met Your Mother: Ted Mosby / Barney Stinson / Marshall Eriksen
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Marshall wants to share a beautiful experience with his friend Ted. Barney, of course, just wants to have sex with him. Or maybe it's the other way around.
Length: 3100 words
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created by Carter Bays and Craig Thomas and owned by one of the large media companies in a complicated arrangement to which I am not a signatory. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Notes: Written for ali_wildgoose, who on my "what should I write" meme requested m/m/m threesome fic. Awesomely beta'd by evil_erato and honestys_easy but all errors are mine. Could be considered in the same 'verse as Leave No Man Behind, but as that story has been jossed so happily by canon don't strain yourself getting there.

---

Ted wasn't exactly clear what Barney had planned, though actually he couldn't remember a single time when he had. But shortly after Ted's engagement, Barney had insisted on a "men's night out" (not to be confused with a "bro's night out" which would have included Robin). Ted and Barney and Marshall suited up for a nice dinner followed by a couple of drinks at MacLaren's, and now they were back at the apartment. Robin and Lily had taken _____ out, something about spas and massages and a sleepover at Marshall and Lily's place, so Marshall would be back in the old pad for the night.

"So," Ted said, sitting on the couch. "Movie?"

Barney sat down next to him. "No, Ted."

"Videogame?"

Marshall shook his head as he sat down on the other side. He had that look he got before important conversations, and that made Ted very, very nervous. He'd last spoken to _____ just before they went out so he was pretty sure there wasn't some runaway bride situation.

"Okay," Ted said, "What—"

"Ted," Barney interrupted, resting a hand on Ted's knee, "Marshall and I have a proposition."

"A proposition?" Ted asked.

"Well, more of a confession," Marshall said.

"Okay, you guys are kinda freaking me out," Ted said.

"Ted, remember that night, in this very apartment," Barney said, ignoring Ted as usual, "in fact, starting on this very couch, when you went for The Belt?"

He did. The Belt—the threesome belt Ted had won when he'd slept with the girl from the pineapple incident and her sorority sister—no longer hung on his bedroom wall out of respect for _____. Not that she didn't know what it meant—she'd wormed it out of him, then made her own confessions, and the sex that night had been epic. It was probably the night that he knew, for absolutely sure, that he had to marry this girl. But he took the belt down mostly because it was that or get her one, and that just would have been weird.

"Ah yes, I remember it well," Ted said, motioning with his hand for Barney to continue.

"And Marshall, Lily and I were in your bedroom, having been trapped by your early return?" he asked.

"But not for long," Ted said. "The girls had already gone into the bedroom."

"We didn't know that," Marshall said. "And we didn't want to ruin your game. And your exploits had Lily all riled up, so we decided to have some fun of our own." He smiled at Barney, who leaned in a little closer.

"No," Ted said, his eyes widening. "No, no, no, oh my god Barney you—" and then he whispered, he had to whisper this — "you slept with Lily?"

Barney smiled, tilting his head toward the ceiling. "We really all slept with each other, Ted," Barney said.

"It was magical," Marshall replied.

"It was hot," Barney said.

"Wait, what?" Ted said. "Barney, the bro code states that there's no eye contact in a Devil's Threesome!"

"Yes, yes, Article #34," Barney said, waving his hand. "But this wasn't a Devil's Threesome. A Devil's Threesome is a woman between two men. But Lily wasn't the focus of this threesome. It wasn't about that."

"What—um, then what was it about?" Ted asked.

"Sometimes, a couple want to bring in a third person—an entirely different situation. They may bring in a woman—and Ted, that is something many, many men aspire to, men who don't have the belt," he said, patting Ted on the cheek. "Or they may bring in a man, something only the most confident of men can aspire to."

"Confident?" Ted asked. "About what?"

"Now Marshall here, Marhall's less straight than monogamous."

"Hey!" Marshall said.

"How long is your list?" Barney asked.

"My list is my marriage license," Marshall replied.

"See, Ted, when a man meets the love of his life before a significant period of dating and sexual activity, he never cuts his canines." Barney bared his teeth in example. "Marshall is less heterosexual than Lily-sexual."

Marshall tilted his head, and was that a blush? "Yeah," he said, smiling. "That's true."

"But it's different for me. Ted, many will say that for a man being 'straight'"—Barney used his fingers for the scare quotes—"means not sleeping with men."

"That is what it means," Ted said.

"But that night I realized, straight really means loving women. And as long as you love women—and you know, Ted, that I love women—"

"Your record speaks for itself," Ted said, waving his hand in a flourish.

"—I can also love the occasional bro. Not just any man off the street—that's just a trick, and that is a slippery slope. Next thing you know, you're buying muscle-tees and trolling The Hose for some action." He shook his head.

Ted wondered, briefly, why Barney had such detail about the Chelsea gay scene at his fingertips, then remembered the years he was his brother's wingman. "And that would be gay," Ted said.

"Yes," Barney replied. "Very, very gay."

"You do know that the whole 'I'm having gay dreams about you' was a joke, right?" Ted's voice cracked.

"We were hoping you'd picked up on the vibe," Barney said. "No such luck."

"Wow, no wonder you were bonding over nightgowns," Ted said.

"For the last time, they are night shirts!" Marshall said.

"Anyway, like I was saying, they have to be a bro ," Barney said.

Ted looked at Marshall, then back at Barney. "And I'm your bro," Ted said.

Marshall grinned, then leaned in to whisper in Ted's ear. "It'll be so beautiful," Marshall said.

"I'll make it so hot for you, trust me," Barney said, leaning in to do the same.

"We'll bring our friendship to a whole new level," Marshall said, kissing Ted on the temple. "That's what happened for Barney and me."

"Also I'll get to see your come-face," Barney said, sucking Ted's earlobe into his mouth.

Ted blinked, and took a deep breath. It would be so easy, and he had to admit he was both curious, and a little jealous that they'd done it without him. And his dick was certainly responding, which Ted would never have expected. He turned his head, just slightly, and Marshall was kissing him, gently, his large hand caressing Ted's cheek. Barney had moved his hand up to Ted's chest, loosening his tie. He turned the other way, and Barney was kissing him, enthusiastically but with all the finesse Ted would have expected.

"So," Barney asked, and Ted realized they were all out of breath, "is that a yes?"

Ted nodded, smiling a little. "That's a yes."

Barney beamed. "Let's move this party to the bedroom," he said.

They all stood and Marshall led the way to Robin's room, the room he and Lily once shared, the room Ted had had his own threesome in. Ted heard Barney's voice behind him.

"Hey, so you're in?" he asked. "Yeah. Okay." He handed the phone to Ted. "Someone wants to talk to you."

As Ted took the phone he realized who would be on the other end. "Hey baby," he said.

"Hey," _____ said. "So, you're doing it?"

"Yeah," Ted said, remembering that she was at Lily's with Robin. "I guess you are too?"

"Yeah," she replied. There was a pause, and then she said, "You'd better tell me every single detail tomorrow."

"Oh my god," Ted said, "every single detail. And don't let them tire you out."

"I won't."

"Well, um, see you on the other side," Ted said.

"Yeah," _____ replied. "See you on the other side."

Barney took the phone and set it on the dresser. He and Marshall had taken off their jackets and ties and now they were doing the same for Ted. Shoes were kicked off, shirts and undershirts pulled off, belts and trousers undone and shoved off along with socks, and there were little brushes and caresses along the way, just enough to keep it sexy and not "we're just bros changing clothes." Barney and Marshall divested each other of their underwear, and then Marshall said, "Oh c'mere," and they were kissing—no, making out, sucking face, standing there in front of Ted.

And fuck, but it was hot. Ted could feel his dick getting harder—if it could even get harder from what had already happened and the tape rolling in the back of his head of what _____ and Lily and Robin were up to across down. He cleared his throat. "Guys?"

Barney snickered. "Sorry, Ted," he said, and turned to yank Ted's boxers off, squatting to pull them off his legs, and then he stayed there, gave Ted a grin, and unceremoniously sucked Ted's cock into his mouth.

"Fuck!" Ted said, and only Barney's hands on the small of his back kept him from falling backwards onto the bed.

Marshall was there, too, one strong arm behind his shoulders, his other hand rubbing Ted's chest, and kissing him again. "So what do you want to do, Ted? We won't push you into anything you can't handle." He smiled.

Ted turned to him, wide-eyed. "I want to do it all!"

Barney pulled off his cock and looked up at him. "Really?"

"Why'd you stop?" Ted asked. "No, no, don't stop!"

"Let's get you on the bed," Marshall said.

Before he could really comprehend what was happening—which seemed to be the theme of the evening—he was on all fours on the bed, legs spread, with Barney underneath him sucking his cock again, and Marshall behind him. He started out nuzzling and licking at Ted's balls, then moved his way backwards, slowly, until he was literally kissing Ted's ass. "Done this with a girl, Ted?" Marshall asked.

"Um, to her? Her to me?" Ted asked, because Barney was doing his level best to suck his brains out through his cock, making these humming noises like he was eating something really delicious which was hot not just because he was so into it but also because the vibration of the hum was like an electric shock rolling through him, so it was pretty hard to think.

"Either," Marshall said, before slipping his tongue into Ted's little hole.

"Ah," Ted said, and only the two pairs of hands kept him from pushing back into Marshall. "Both, both."

"Good," Marshall said, and got to it, kissing and lapping and then sticking his tongue inside and wiggling it, grazing his teeth against the tender skin. Then he pulled back and replaced his tongue with a finger, cold with lube, and Ted moaned.

"Oh, god, guys, I'm gonna come," Ted said.

Barney pulled off him. "Wow, Ted, those ladies have you so well trained," he said, and slid out from under him.

Ted didn't have time to protest, as Barney and Marshall were flipping him over onto his back. Then they both descended on his cock, licking and sucking it like they were sharing an ice cream cone, and Marshall was still working his fingers into Ted's ass. "Ooh, I want some of that," Barney said, applying the lube to his own finger and slipping it in alongside Marshall's.

"Wow," Marshall said, and they kissed for a moment before going back to Ted's cock. One of those two wiggling fingers found his prostate, and Ted came with a shout, come spurting onto Barney and Marshall's faces and his own stomach.

"Wow," Barney said, and began lapping it up. Marshall did, too, and then they were licking it off each other's faces and kissing each other, and fuck, it was so dirty and so hot.

Ted felt pretty spent for a bit, and Marshall went to get a cloth because he felt a little slimy. Barney knelt on the bed, lazily stroking his cock. "So here's your decision, Ted," he said. "You want it all, you can have it all, but do you want me in your mouth, or in your ass?"

Marshall came back with bottles of water from the fridge, and Ted sucked down as much as he could in a gulp, and felt a little more human. He sat up. "Which one of you can I trust not to smack my ass?"

Marshall and Barney looked at each other. "Neither of us, really," Marshall said. "That's a pretty spankable ass you've got there."

Ted scowled.

"For what it's worth," Marshall said, "Barney's pretty damn good at it."

"Thanks, buddy," Barney said. "You too. I mean, I'm better, but you're good too."

"So Barney was best?" Ted asked.

"Lily," they both said.

"Oh yeah," Ted said, because of course he knew about Lily's strap-on, because of course he knew way too much about Marshall and Lily's sex life and had since it started, and besides Lily had left it soaking in the bathroom sink once. "Wait, but I was in this room!"

"Yeah," Marshall said, "Lily snuck in and got it. She said she crawled in and grabbed it, and then left again, and got her revenge for the boots or something?"

Ted thought back to that night, to the sound of smacking and the blonde friend saying "Oh Ted, I didn't know your arms were so long" which didn't make any kind of sense at the time. "Oh my god, she spanked that girl!" he said.

"That's Lily," Barney said.

"Yeah," Marshall said, smiling dreamily.

"Well," Ted said, "I think I'd rather stare at Marshall's stomach than at yours, Barney."

"Hey! I'm in much better shape!" Barney said.

"That's the point," Ted replied. "Marshall is less intimidating. I don't want to think about how I should be spending more time on the Stairmaster while I'm getting fucked."

"Yeah, it's better to think about getting fucked while you're on the Stairmaster," Barney said, nodding.

Marshall moved to the head of the bed, and Barney stood on the floor at the foot, lube in hand. Ted got back on all fours and was surprised to realize that he kinda knew what he was doing, sucking a cock. After all, he knew what he liked, what he fantasized girls would do, and while he couldn't deep throat to any extent he was pretty sure he could give Marshall a good time. He could feel Barney sliding three fingers into his ass, moving them around, stretching him.

"Gonna make it so hot for you," Barney said.

"He'll take real good care of you," Marshall said. "It's so good, Ted, sex that isn't just about getting off, you know?"

Barney had one hand on his ass, and Ted could feel his blunt cock against his hole. "Gonna fuck you so hard," Barney said, as he slid the head of his cock into Ted.

Marshall was running his hands through Ted's hair. "Feel that? You'll feel so full, it's amazing," he said.

"God, look at that tight ass," Barney said, pushing in a little further and smacking him with one open hand.

Ted moaned into Marshall's cock. The stretch was so, so good, feeling Barney inside him, really both of them inside him, all these cocks, and when he felt a little panicky he just thought of _____ and how much hearing this would turn her on, and what she was doing downtown right then. Plenty of pussies in his head; he didn't need them in his bed. At least, not at the moment.

Barney was fucking him now, in and out, that familiar rhythm, his hands on Ted's sides, brushing a nipple occasionally. Ted felt like a wave, pushing back and forth between Marshall and Barney. Marshall was still muttering reassurance and compliments, Barney barking out whatever filthy thought entered his mind—"How do you shit with an ass this tight?" was an odd one, but very Barney—and in between there was a lot of grunting from all three of them. Once Barney found Ted's prostate he stayed there, rubbing against it, and it was like Ted could feel it all over his body, not just in his ass or even his dick.

And then, suddenly it seemed to Ted, he was coming, which made him suck harder on Marshall and then he was coming, and then Barney was coming, too, so it was like dominos, the way they went tumbling over. Ted crashed down on his side, his mouth and ass full of come, and reached out vaguely for one of the water bottles. "God damn," he said, panting. "Why didn't we do this sooner?"

There was a nap in there, and then a shower, and then another couple of rounds before morning—Ted thought the hottest was probably when Marshall was laying on his back, Ted sitting on top and riding his cock, and Barney standing over Ted fucking his mouth—when they took their last showers and got dressed to meet the girls for brunch.

Barney, as usual, was on the phone. "Did you get it? Yeah, us too. Yeah, checked 'em all. Beyond legendary. Okay, see you in a bit." He slipped his phone into a large bag.

"What's in there?" Ted asked.

"Oh, right, the digital video tapes," Barney said, super casually.

"What?" Ted asked.

"Yeah, so we set up some cameras, you know, here and at Marshall and Lily's—"

"Cameras?" Ted asked.

"Yeah, about eight or nine in each bedroom, gotta get all the angles, you know—"

"And we did," Marshall said. "We tested it out."

"What? You what?" Ted asked.

"Tested it out, Ted," Barney said. "Me and Robin here, Marshall and Lily there. Hot films, gotta say. Robin was very impressed with the strap-on."

"God, I bet they used it last night," Marshall said, eyes shining.

"Well, we'll find out soon," Barney replied.

"Wait, so there is footage of them, too?" Ted asked.

"Yeah, yeah," Barney said. "Robin and I are going to cut them together, make films out of them for all of us."

"Oh. Wow," Ted said. "Well, all right then."

"And you know, you can have the ones of us, and Marshall and Lily," he said. "You and _____ just have to make one."

Ted scowled. "You haven't already put cameras in my bedroom, have you?"

"No, no, no," Barney said, in the most unconvincing way possible.

Ted shook his head. "We'll think about it. Come on, we'll be late." As they walked out, Ted suddenly had a thought. "Hey, Barney, what is what we did just called?"

"Oh come on, Ted, you know that," Barney said.

"I don't," Marshall replied.

He motioned for them to move in close. "The three-legged stool."

---

Comments

[idioticonion.livejournal.com]

That's it, I think you broke the record. you got all six characters, including the Mother, having dirty sex.

You OWN the crown!

[ali-wildgoose.livejournal.com]

I said this to you in person, but it bears repeating -- equal parts hilarious and hot, which seems very FITTING in this case!

(Oh Marshall, you're so sensitive <3 )

[snogged.livejournal.com]

This is damn funny and damn delicious :)

Nicely played

[lilithisbitter.livejournal.com]

Very hot and steamy. Very nice. Very awesome.

[the-spin.livejournal.com]

This is hilarious and wonderful!